Life is Uncertain

If there was a single lesson that I could impart on my kids, it would be that life is uncertain. Maybe to some that sounds bleak, but to those who have suffered tremendous grief, a near-death experience, or any kind of trauma-you get me.

I've been told I used to be a materialistic person. That's probably true. I've been told I overact and worry too much about things that don't matter. I know for sure that I tried hard to control as much as I possibly could, and when all else failed miserably, I would at least organize the shoes at the front door REALLY well. See, when everything feels out of control, some of us look for whatever can possibly BE controlled. Shoes at the door, an organized pantry, specifically folded towels...and let me tell you-it will feel that no one else seems to care about these things and end of day, you'll drive yourself a little nuttier each time they "screw up your system". 

Some of the best, and also most annoying, words a counsellor once told me was, "Nothing is within our control." At the time, I thought that seemed crazy. I can control all kinds of things...or so I thought. The moment you accept that worrying only creates more worry and that the illusion of control is simply that-an illusion-is the moment your perspective shifts. A lot. Or at least a little, and that's pretty sweet too.

It took me losing my Mom to see the world differently. I almost hate to admit that losing her taught me more than anything or anyone else had in my previous 36 years, but it's true. It's absolutely and entirely true. Losing my Mom taught me about grief and life. It taught me how precious life is and how any and all things can change in a blink. All of this crap about "the sun will come out tomorrow"? Screw that! Make the sun come out TODAY! No amount of time is promised. Not one full minute, let alone a full day. 

It is crucial to find gratitude, even on our worst day. I think it's actually even more important on those terrible days. I am here, the sun is shining, I can put a healthy meal on the table today and be surrounded with love. Maybe I didn't live my dream today (this would definitely involve the beach, finding sea glass and a refreshing beverage), but I woke up, accomplished some things and that's enough. Little and big things, we need to celebrate and be grateful! 

Just last week, my 14 year old daughter lost the ability to speak and move on her own. One minute she was sitting there, having a chat, and the next minute she was vacant. There were many moments last week where I didn't think she was coming back to us. There were many thoughts about wishing I could trade places with her and also feeling very ill-equipped  to care for my own child in that state. Of course I would have learned, or done whatever was necessary to help my girl, always, but seeing this vibrant, witty, determined, amazing girl lose her most basic abilities broke me in ways I hadn't felt since losing my Mom.

What did this terrible week create in me, and also in my daughter? Gratitude! We see the lessons. We know how fortunate we are to "simply" be able to speak and use our bodies. We do not need a new outfit, fancy job, or recognition to be fulfilled and grateful for this life. We are grateful, even on the "less than" days. '

Yesterday one of my most best humans took my daughter and I for a boat ride. I sat there watching as peace washed over my girl. Her body relaxed and the sides of her mouth turned up just enough for me to notice-she was happy. We slid off the boat for a quick dip, we took in the sights, squealed a little when the boat hit a wave and we laughed at a bunch of nonsensical things shared between us. At one point, while heading back to shore, my girl said to me, "I'm in my element." No girly, you're in ours. 

When we are lost, uncertain, or even completely happy and celebrating, the ocean soothes our souls. The ocean is where we feel most ourselves and most at peace. The ocean seems to understand what it is we need, just exactly, and it provides. I share this special place with my girl now. Before stepping off the boat, she signaled for me to lean in to hear her quietly say, "You're my best friend, Mom." 

I shared all of this with my Mom and now I share it with my girl. I am grateful beyond measure. Losing my Mom changed me, broke me, but also built me up. I lost my best friend, but I also gained a new one.

I love you, kid. Seeing you well and peacefully taking in all the ocean provides fills my soul in ways I have never known. I am so grateful for my children. The love we share is the best thing that has ever happened. They will always know I love them, that I am here for them no matter what.

The next few moments aren't even promised. Say "I love you", give the hugs, don't waste a day on a silly argument. Put that ridiculous phone down and be present! You won't regret it. Life is uncertain. Make certain you are truly living it while you can.