Healing from Trauma

Throughout my life I have had moments of knowing. Some of it has seemed so trivial, but nonetheless, it all fascinates me.

One of the first times I really noticed it was when I knew an art easel would be at a local thrift shop for around $7. Sure enough, I arrived at the store, spotted the easel and purchased it for my toddler son. I'm sure it had happened before, but I hadn't acknowledge it. It has certainly happened many times since, and I have learned that listening is always best.

Just this past week, I was browsing Value Village (no, it doesn't only happen when thrifting) and I knew an ex would be coming into the store and that I needed to wait. I slowly walked down the aisle towards the cash and as soon as I started to scan my purchase, there he was. It was so surreal. He looked completely different, yet the same, and it was immediately clear that any and all connection that once existed was gone. This now stranger was accompanied by the woman he cheated with. She was so annoyed by my presence, but as much as it was almost funny, it was also sad. Her insecurities and frustrations with him were very clear. 

I met this man during my separation. He was attentive, thoughtful and fit. He provided things that my 14 year marriage hadn't. He was exciting and firey and it felt good and revitalizing. Very quickly he showed his true colours of alcoholism and narcissism, and there began the cycle. He would start drinking, I wouldn't see him, he'd drink more, say terrible things, and I would end it. He would then stop drinking, after a 3 day binge, apologize, I would go see him, he would heal my wounds and we would get back together. There were times where he went as long as a month without drinking, but there were also way more times where it only lasted a week, tops.

I had lost my Mom the year before, and just broke up my family with leaving my children's father. I wasn't prepared to lose more...so I stayed in the cycle. The worst of it was that in trying actively to not lose more, I was losing the most important thing-myself. I gave everything until I couldn't even recognize myself. I felt I could help him and his teenage children. I felt I could provide those amazing kids with the father they deserved. I took on everything for everyone else and failed to help, repeatedly. 

During that time, I endured an incredible amount of emotional abuse and teetered on the edge of physical abuse. I received countless insults and was almost brainwashed into believing that "no one would ever love me this much". I was accused of cheating, lying and had my phone ripped out of my hands because he didn't want me texting my female friends about him. I was guilt tripped into spending 100% of my free time with him and discouraged from any and all of my interests, especially spirituality. I was manipulated with planted blue seaglass, because he knew this reminded me of my Mom. There was even one evening where he saw footprints in the snow and convinced himself that I had a neighbouring man over. He proceeded to verbally attack me for hours, until the point where I felt insane, trying to prove my innocence. During that time he also ripped my necklace into pieces and threw it around the room. He then drafted an email of lies and told me it was sent to my boss, trying to have me fired. I was also threatened repeatedly and there were at least two times when I alerted the cops of his words.

Even the strongest, street-smart people can be manipulated. Narcissists will hurt you, heal you, and hurt you again. It's shocking how fast you can fall into their trap. Yes. Trap. 

I continue to heal myself from that unhealthy relationship. One remark he made about how he would pay for me to have a tummy tuck caused me a shockingly large amount of hurt. I hear it everytime I see myself in the mirror and quickly remind myself that my body made 3 incredible children, and I am grateful. It's awful how a handful of words can cause so much damage to our self esteem, but it's up to us to feel the hurt and let it go. It's awful how we carry those hurts into new relationships and can feel triggered by even the smallest of words or actions. 

I acknowledge that this man carries trauma and damage. I acknowledge that alcoholism is a sickness, Narcissism is a disorder, and I choose to forgive all that happened, as it only hurts me to carry that baggage. I learned so much about myself, what I will and won't accept and what is absolutely non-negotiable. I also learned, from that extremely brief interaction in Value Village, that I have grown immense amounts in the past 4 years and that there is nothing remaining of the tether that once existed. His words cannot hurt me now. His presence does not trigger me. 

I'm so glad I listened to my "knowing" that day. It was the opportunity to heal that I never knew I always needed.

I want to add, to whomever might stumble upon this-if you are in a similar cycle, you are not alone. Abuse comes in many forms and no one deserves it. There are many resources out there and I hope you will, if needed, get the help required to break the cycle. 

They will try and make you feel that they are the victim, that no one will love you more...neither is true. 

Sending love to those who need it.

PS-Chapter 11, in Becoming the One, describes this man all too well. Everything he did was a "red flag".