My Dad

Possibly as long as two years ago, my dad started to seem a little quieter, a little less engaged and perhaps a little bit forgetful. It was cause for concern, but being a pride-filled man-accepting help wasn't his jam.

Fast forward to the fall of 2023-my dad had cancer. Cancer that had been "ignored" and now a signifcant, life-saving surgery was required. He was thin, tired, forgetful, grumpy and seemingly facing death. Somehow, miraculously, 3 surgeons worked on him and saved his life.

Slowly Dad started to regain strength, regain weight and his memory seemed to be...less bad. I think it would be fair to say that he had perhaps 8 good months, followed by another couple decent ones. He lived his life as he wanted- a simple life of writing, walking his beloved dog, good meals with his spouse, small outings and even a little bit of travel to see family. Things seemed good.

Fast forward again, now to October 2024-Dad's cancer was back and he was told, "There's nothing more we can do", and his oncologist dropped him as a patient. 

Dad was given 3 months to live, on October 10, 2024. He passed January 13, 2025-this is the one and only time I've seen such accuracy with a death timeline.

When I got the call Dad had passed, I was actually away for work, on an island in the Carribbean. I sat on the curb and cried and cried. People just walked by, likely uncomfortable with my display of emotions. How funny that laughing is appropriate when a joke is told, but crying? We apologize for it, even when it is the absolutely most appropriate reaction. 

Very quickly, certain family members started arranging for Dad's celebration of life, despite having 7 months to prepare. 7 months. I wouldn't reccomend holding off this long to celebrate and honor someone. I can say, for me anyway, it made my dad's passing ultra surreal...as if it wasn't already. Even if you just take a few quiet moments, with a little homeade alter, to honor them-I think it's really important to acknowledge the passing in some way.

Losing my dad has been hard, but the hardest part? How much it brought the sadness of losing my mom to the surface. She passed 7 years ago and I feel that ache every single day. She was my person and I hate (yes, hate) that she doesn't get to see her grandkids grow up...and now, neither does Dad.

I miss my parents. I cried for them today. I cried like a lost child in a grocery store- scared and alone. Would I ever have been "ready"? No. But 43 just doesn't seem fair.

I know others have experienced worse. I know I need to practice gratitude (Trust me-I do), but I'm just so dang sad and lonely. 

No one loves you like your parents do. Man, I miss that feeling of unconditional love. That knowing that they were only a phone call away...

I don't wish this sadness on anyone. If we have this in common- I wish we didn't.