Who am I??

Lately I have been feeling like something was missing from my life. I couldn't figure out what it was...but it was almost an aching in my chest-something isn't right.

I've spent an awful lot of time trying to figure it out. I have everything I ever asked for, in terms of healthy kids, a good job, good people in my life...what the heck is my problem?? I even live on the ocean, for goodness sakes! Was that not my dream?!

My big kids have jobs and social lives of their own and my self-described purpose feels...gone. Not gone maybe, but seriously altered. I have spent 16 years of my life defining myself and my purpose based on my role as mother and wife (now ex-wife). I don't really know who I am or what I like without that purpose. Holy crap! Who am I, if not a mom and wife??? 

Not only have I lived 16 years that way, but I was also raised by a single Mom. I was her person and she was mine, but with that came a lot of responsibility...especially in her final years of medical misdiagnosis and ultimately dying of Pancreatic Cancer. Who am I, if not the care-giver??

I have spent years now thinking that the "right" man would fill this void. They don't. I thought someone who would give me the attention I wanted, hike with me, laugh me, cuddle up for evenings in with me would fill me up...fix me. Nope. Who am I, if not an awesome girlfriend??

My desire to care for people, help them however I can comes from a place of familiarity. I'm not even sure that I like helping...or if it's just become what I am accustomed to. I have been a helper my entire life. I have been a people pleaser my entire life...but do I even enjoy it? Or does it come from a place of fear of rejection and failure? 

It's a strange thing to reach the age of 40 and not really know who I am...or maybe know exactly who I am, but not really be ok with it. I have spent all of my years basing my self-perception on how others see me, but the joke of it is that I'll never be good enough for the wrong people.

Ever since I was very little, I learned how to be what I "needed" to be for people to like me. It became so ingrained in who I was that I didn't consciously do it, or know I was doing it. I've always known what I wanted and what was right for my life, but I have squashed that little voice, or gut feeling, to please others. I have been a little less myself to make people feel empowered to be their truest selves. I have encouraged people to be open and honest always with who they are, while I suffer in silence. I say in silence...I think I suffer through whatever it is and then my feelings later manifest as resentment. Man. Not cool.

On top of all of that, I think I have fought depression my whole life. I get low all too easily and kind of live in a state of comfortable existence. Don't get me wrong... I am possibly one of the most grateful humans when it comes to my kids, a beautiful sunset, the sound the waves make when they tumble the oceans stones...But the absolute fact is that I have predominately derived joy from making others happy and have waited for others to reciprocate...and when it doesn't happen, I am left feeling so disappointed. There is truly no one to blame but myself for this. I have put my potential for joy in the hands of others...my entire life! News flash! You are solely responsible for your own joy! 

What a concept-being responsible for your own joy. Living your life, making conscious decisions about what does and doesn't feed your soul. I have done this in small spurts...allowed myself to be "selfish"...but it never lasts. Before I know it I'm back into existing for everyone elses betterment. I would never dream of seeing someone not get the things they want out of life. I would sacrifice my own joy 1000 times over to see them happy...but WHY?! 

Writing brings me joy. The beach brings me joy. A beautiful sunset brings me joy. Wispy clouds, waves crashing, rain hitting the roof, brightly coloured flowers, photography, riding my bike... all bring me joy. I want more of that, just for me. I want to learn not to rely on others to bring me any sense of joy and fulfillment, and if someone happens to add to my experience, sobeit. Life is too dang short! 

Who am I? I am a woman, ready to live my best fucking life possible!