My thoughts on grief

It's so surreal. Life is still carrying on all around us, but 4 lives have ended. The overwhelming sadness is all consuming. It's so draining that what is left is this shell...this zombie-human, that I simply do not recognize. My smile is gone. My desires and hopes and dreams are gone. They'll all return...eventually. I've lived grief before. The only thing that helps is time.

I sit here feeling so empty and then the guilt sets in. It feels so selfish to wallow in what I have lost, when people I care for have lost more. My friend lost his daughter and his 2 grandsons and that is completely unthinkable. I want to help. I want to help alleviate some small amount of pain, anger, obligation... anything. 

Losing my Mom, almost 4 years ago, taught me how uncertain and short life is. How terrible things happen to incredible people...but losing Kaylea and her young sons has made that so much more real. These beautiful, silly, fun, loving humans lives ended much too soon and here I am sitting, wasting my precious day...my precious, not-promised time. 

I want to say that I will live my life to the fullest. I want to do all the things, say all the things, have all the experiences and live without regret. That is my intention anyway...once a little of this emptiness leaves me. I will not hide from this grief. I will not bury it in distraction or alcohol. I will feel it fully and learn how to live with it. That is how I will honor my beautiful friend and her boys. 

I love you, Kaylea. This isn't fair. This isn't fair at all.

xoxo