My Spark is Gone...for now

You go along with your everyday life, never really stopping to consider how much life can change in a blink...although you always know this to be fact, in the back of your mind. 

Losing someone puts fragility and uncertainty of time at the forefront of all things. All of a sudden it's clear who and what matters, it's clear what adds and what takes away from your joy and if you're like me, you're all of a sudden acutely aware of being alone....at 40. This is so not where I thought I would be.

I am forever grateful for the amazing friends and family I have. The people who have shown me extra love and support, during this horrific time of grief, are so very special to me. I appreciate every hug, kind words, and act of kindness, but what's incredibly sad is that the moments of joy are only temporary. The hug ends and the sadness resumes. 

I have lived through terrible grief before. It took 11 months to even accept that my Mom was gone. It has only been a month since my friend and her children died...so it's completely normal and understandable that I feel so blah. My sparkle is gone. My joy is gone. My ability to lift others is gone. Not forever, but for now. 

I look forward to the day when the little things spark my joy again. When being at the beach fills my soul so completely. I never thought there would be a day when the beach didn't "fix" me. It doesn't. Not right now. 

I miss you, Mom, I miss you, Kaylea. The love I have for you has nowhere to go and I hate it. xo