The love for your child

It was her staring blankly through me, losing all of her independence, the hour long seizure and thinking she couldn't breathe that ruined me. I feel so selfish complaining because she's so great now...but I feel left behind or something. Like I can't catch up to her progress.

Seeing your child go from healthy and vibrant to completely immobilized in mere moments is not something you soon forget. As she struggled to exhale and thought she couldn't breathe, I thought I was losing my girl.

At one point, she was completely vacant. I grabbed her by her shoulders and said, "Where are you?! I want my girl back!!" I cried in such a way that I didn't recognize my own sobs. 

The fierce and all consuming love we have for our children is like nothing else. I would have given anything to trade places with her. Anything to take away the horror she was living, completely trapped inside her otherwise healthy body.

Trauma like that changes a person. It makes what is truly important abundantly clear and it lets you know how far you're willing to go to help your child. It has brought about a very protective side in me, that was already there, but now has a hair trigger.

Recently in a local store my daughter couldn't walk and required a wheelchair. Her best friend made it kind of fun and light and pushed her around the store collecting snacks. At one point, a staff member came over to the girls and said, in an accusatory tone, "Having a little fun there, girls?!" No, asshole. She can't walk. What a lesson that was! Never assume you know what is going on with a person just because they appear to be healthy. You have no clue, whatsoever, what a person is going through.

I want to see the good in this awful situation. I have to believe that lessons were learned and that this whole thing was somehow a necessary part of our journey. I know we are closer now than we had been in years, and for that I am grateful, but did we have to get here in such an extreme way??

My girl had been sort of gone since March 10, 2023....but also kind of since July 2020. It is a terrible, awful thing how concussions steal your life away. 

On a immensely happy note, she's feeling good and finding joy again. She is completely inspiring in all the ways. This kid. I wish I was half as incredible as she is. She's changed, you say? You better fucking believe it! She has been to hell and back. She knows what it feels like to be trapped inside her own body. What it feels like to lose every single "normal" function. 

I couldn't be more proud of her determination. She feels so ready to take on the world again. It's so hard to not want to shelter her just a little longer, but I know it's time for a normal life again.

It will take time to recover from this trauma. I think I held on for her sake, but now I'm depleted. I'm so tired and joy is hard to find. The love of a child takes everything out of you, but I wouldn't change a thing.