Being a mom

Today is Mother's Day. For 6 years now it has been one of my least favorite days. 

My Mom is no longer here to celebrate this day with us and it just feels like such a profound reminder of her absence.

I try to put a smile on my face for my kids, because I too am a mother and it's absolutely the most significant role of my life. I love them more than they can possibly understand. Someday, if they choose to have kids, they'll get it.

I look at my kids and I'm so proud of who they are. I'm so excited for their future and so look forward to so many things for them. They have all of my best qualities, but also some of my less best...and I see it so clearly now. 

I see so clearly how responsible parents are for their kids inner dialogue. I see how great, and also terrible that is. I see how much my parents, especially my Mom, is the voice I hear when I'm making decisions and also judgements about myself. I never wanted to let her down. I always wanted her to see me as my best self. 

Even though my Mom planted some not so great seeds in my brain, she also loved me very much and was so grateful for me and for my brother. She was my person, my best friend and I miss her every single day. She wasn't perfect, but no one is. I wish I appreciated her more when she was still here. I wish she knew the version of me that came from the pain of losing her.

I wish my kids could skip a few steps and get to the part where they see how much I love them. See how much I've always just tried to help and keep them safe. See that I once was a kid too, feeling so many of the same things. But the reality is they need to just live it and learn along the way...in their own time, as I did.

My kids father once said that my eldest daughter was everything I wished I was. She is fun, creative, beautiful, dyes her hair however she wants, wears clothes of all sorts, she is up for anything and people genuinely adore her. I have always felt that I wasn't enough for her...like I'm back in junior high and simply not cool enough. I wish she could understand how I love her so. How incredible I think she is and how truly fortunate I am to be her Mom.

Being a Mom is so incredible, and heart breaking, and fulfilling, and depressing and the best/hardest job. Ever. They hurt, so we hurt. They succeed, so we celebrate alongside them. We want to fix all of their hurts and save them from the pain we felt all of those years ago...but we can't. All we can do is try to guide them and make sure they know we are here to support them.

I love my kids more than anyone or anything and that will always be true. ❤️❤️❤️ Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there, trying to be and do all the things. This gig is no joke.